If you want to strengthen relationships, it usually starts with one simple decision: reaching out first.
There is a small moment that happens in almost every meaningful relationship. You think about someone. You consider whether to reach out first. And then a quiet voice in your head talks you out of it.
“It has been too long.”
“They are probably busy.”
“They will think it is weird.”
“I do not want to interrupt.”
“It is not that big of a deal anyway.”
So you don’t send the text. You don’t pick up the phone. You let the moment pass. And the relationship you thought of takes another small, invisible step away from you.
I want to tell you about a piece of research that fundamentally changed how I think about this.
In 2022, researchers at the University of Pittsburgh published a study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Thirteen preregistered studies. The question they were asking was simple. When people reach out to someone unexpectedly, just to check in, how much do they think the other person will appreciate it? And how much does the other person actually appreciate it?
The answer, in study after study, was the same. We dramatically underestimate it.
People think their check-in will be a small thing. The recipients describe it as meaningful, touching, sometimes the highlight of their day or week. The sender is worried about being a bother. The receiver is grateful to be remembered.
Read that again. The sender is worried about being a bother. The receiver is grateful to be remembered.
Why do we get this so wrong? Because our brains are wired to protect us from rejection. We imagine the awkwardness of a text that goes unanswered. We assume we’re interrupting someone’s day. We overestimate how much people are judging us and underestimate how much they simply appreciate knowing someone was thinking about them.
The risk feels bigger in our minds than it actually is. And that’s exactly where so many relationships begin to drift. Not because someone stopped caring. Not because there was conflict. But because both people were waiting for the other to make the first move.
There is a huge gap between what we think our reach-out will mean and what it actually means. And in that gap, an enormous number of beautiful relationships go quiet. Friendships fade. Mentors lose touch with mentees. Clients drift. Family members go years without checking on each other. Not because the connection is gone. Because the reach felt risky and the silence felt safer.
I see this happen all the time. A former coworker you still think about. A client you genuinely enjoyed working with. The mentor who changed the trajectory of your career. The friend from another season of life who randomly crosses your mind while you’re driving or making dinner. Most of these relationships aren’t broken. They’re simply waiting for someone to go first.
Here’s what I want you to take from this…
The next time you think of someone, that is the message. The thought is the prompt. You do not need a reason. You do not need an update. You do not need an occasion. You do not need a perfectly worded paragraph.
“Hey, you crossed my mind today. I was thinking about [XYZ]. I hope you are doing well. No need to respond, I just wanted you to know.”
I have built a twenty-three year career on this exact muscle. Some of the most consequential opportunities in my life came from check-ins that felt like they were nothing. A friend I reached out to for no reason called me three months later with an introduction that became a partnership. A former colleague I texted on a random Tuesday hired me for a keynote a year later. The compounding effect of consistent, no-agenda check-ins is something most people will never experience because they never start.
It’s one of the reasons I teach the 5×5 Method™. Every day, I intentionally reach out to five people with no agenda attached. Sometimes it’s a congratulations. Sometimes it’s an article that made me think of them. Sometimes it’s simply, “You crossed my mind today.” Most of those messages don’t lead to anything immediate, and that’s the point. Relationships aren’t built by waiting until you need something. They’re built by consistently reminding people they matter.
So if you needed a sign, here it is. Send the message you have been holding. Send the one you talked yourself out of last week. Send the one that scares you a little because it has been too long. Send it because the person on the other end almost certainly needs it more than you realize, and definitely needs it more than they will ever tell you.
Before you close this page, think of one person who came to mind while you were reading this.
Don’t overthink what to say. Don’t wait until tomorrow. Don’t convince yourself you’ll reach out another time.
Send the message.
It might take thirty seconds to write. It could strengthen a relationship that lasts thirty years.
Great relationships are not built in a day. They are built daily. And most of them are built in the moments most people would not even bother sending.
Be the one who reaches out first.