Learn how to build stronger relationships by being intentional, not by being impressive. Relationships almost never fall apart because someone stopped caring. They drift because someone stopped being intentional, and the drift is so quiet that you usually do not notice it until you need the relationship and realize it is not there anymore.
I sat down with Matt Lyles on the SIMPLE brand podcast to talk about exactly this, and the episode ended up with a title I loved: “How You Build Relationships Is Probably Backwards.” Because most of us are doing it backwards. We collect people, then wonder why nothing came of it.
Listen to the full conversation: YouTube. Apple Podcasts. Spotify
Why do relationships drift when nobody stopped caring?
Because caring is a feeling and connection is a practice. You can care deeply about someone for three years and never once tell them, and from where they are standing, three years of silence looks exactly like three years of not caring.
I built and sustained a seven figure business for more than a decade with no ad spend and no cold outreach. Every single dollar came through a relationship. And the hardest lesson of those 23 years was not how to make people like me. It was learning that the relationships I assumed were solid were the ones I was quietly neglecting, because I had already labeled them “good.”
The relationships you take for granted are the ones that drift first. Not the new ones you are working hard to earn. The ones you think you already have.
What is the most important relationship in your business?
The one you have with yourself, and it is usually the one you neglect the most. We talked about this around the eight minute mark of the episode, and it is the part I get the most messages about.
You cannot make other people feel valued from a place where you do not feel valuable. Self doubt does not make you a fraud, and imposter syndrome is not proof that you do not belong in the room. Most of the time, that feeling is evidence that you are doing something that matters to you. It shows up right at the edge of growth, not at the edge of your ability.
What does it actually mean to make someone feel known?
It is not what you know, and it is not who you know. The real question is how many people actually feel known by you.
There is a wide gap between thinking you know someone and making them feel remembered, understood, and valued. When people feel known, they feel like they matter, and that is the moment a contact turns into a relationship.
| Knowing a lot of people | Making people feel known |
| You remember their name | You remember what they are going through |
| You follow them online | You reach out without an agenda |
| You reconnect when you need something | You reconnect when nothing is in it for you |
| You keep a list of contacts | You keep track of what matters to them |
| They recognize you | They trust you |
The right hand column is slower. It is also the only column that produces referrals, repeat business, and people who say your name in rooms you are not in.
Should you treat every relationship the same?
No, and trying to is one of the fastest ways to burn out. Treating everyone identically sounds fair, but in practice it means everyone gets the same shallow attention, including the people who have changed your business.
This is why I built the 5-Star Relationship Ranking System. Not to rank people by their worth, but to be honest about capacity. Some relationships need a touchpoint this week. Some need one this quarter. When you stop pretending you can give everyone the same thing, you finally start giving your most important relationships what they actually need.
What is a better way to ask for referrals?
Stop asking, and start being impossible to forget. When you have to ask for a referral, it usually means the relationship went quiet long enough that you fell out of the person’s mind, and now you are asking them for a favor instead of being the obvious answer to a question they already wanted to solve.
Matt and I got into the practical version of this around the 24 minute mark, including what to say instead. It is worth hearing in full, because the shift is smaller than most people expect.
What are the five minutes a day that change everything?
The system I use is the 5×5 Method. It is built for people who are busy, not for people with unlimited time, and it works because it is small enough that you will actually do it on a Tuesday when everything is on fire.
Here is how the 5×5 Method works:
1. Choose five people. Not five prospects. Five people you genuinely want in your life a year from now.
2. Reach out five days a week. One round of five, Monday through Friday. It should take about five minutes.
3. Lead with them, not with you. No pitch, no ask, no “just checking in.” Reference something real that you remember about them.
4. Rotate, do not repeat. New five tomorrow, so your circle actually gets covered instead of the same three people hearing from you constantly.
5. Track it for 30 days. This is the part people skip, and it is the part that proves it works.
Write down what comes back.
Five minutes a day is a hundred people a month. That is not a networking strategy. That is a completely different business.
What else is in the episode?
Matt and I covered a lot in 41 minutes, including:
- Whether business relationships are really just sales relationships (spoiler, they are not)
- What self doubt and imposter syndrome are actually telling you
- The three ingredients every meaningful relationship needs
- A simple system for keeping your most important relationships from drifting
- My five song playlist, which tells you more about me than my bio does
If you are building stronger customer relationships, stronger professional relationships, or stronger personal relationships, this conversation gives you something you can start today rather than something to think about.
Where to go from here
If you want the full framework behind all of this, it is in my book, The Relationship Advantage. If you are bringing a team, a sales organization, or a conference audience together and you want them to leave with a practice instead of a pep talk, here is how I work with organizations from the stage. And if this idea landed, you will want to read why the relationship advantage is becoming the competitive advantage.
Listen to the full episode now: YouTube · Apple Podcasts · Spotify
Barb Betts is a human connection keynote speaker, CEO, and the author of The Relationship Advantage. For more than 23 years she has helped leaders, sales teams, and business owners turn relationship capital into real revenue, and she speaks internationally on human connection, trust, and the 5×5 Method.
